Oh joy!

Hi guys. I really don’t have much blog brain stuff things, so I’m just going to post this Journal entry I typed up for Religion. Catch ya later.

Okay, time to write a journal entry…okay…thinking…nope. One of the things I have been noticing lately is my increasing forgetfulness. When I try to find out what I am feeling I don’t know, because I usually suppress my feelings. I don’t know how I feel about not knowing my feelings either. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I can’t remember sadness, and sometimes I remember that because I forget what I’ve learned from sadness, I can never really grow. This whole issue is extraordinarily confusing. Another thing I’ve been learning about myself is this; I don’t have hobbies. I have obsessions. I either don’t really care for an activity, hate it, or obsess over it. For instance: The document that I attached to this journal entry was an obsession. It would occupy the back of my head all day long! After a few days it just faded away. It wasn’t that I didn’t like what I had done, my mind had just moved on. I couldn’t find enough interest in it to continue right then. Maybe some other time. The point is, my mind seems to be moving faster and faster, leaving more of me in the dust! I go through the day, and when it’s over I don’t remember anything. If someone asked me what I had for lunch, no amount of head smacks would summon up an answer. My thoughts are more erratic, more scattered. Sometimes ideas will float in from Mars and implant themselves in mind and not let go! I’ve been having these ideas thrown at me, urging me to get tested by a neurologist for Alzheimer’s. I had the same “urges” when I was tested for ADD, and when I got X-rays of my foot. The first time I got the idea I should go for the additional treatment, I was 4 or something, and had broken my left ankle by jumping down the stairs. However, the doctor said that the way I carried my foot showed that my foot wasn’t broken. But my mother thought we should get an X-ray done (as did I) so we did. Aaaaaaaand my foot was broken. The second time, I approached my mother and asked her to have me tested for ADD. Guess what? I was ADD. Now, the same feeling that urged me to get tested for ADD is telling me to be checked for Alzheimer’s. But this time, I don’t really want to know. When I asked to be tested for ADD, I didn’t understand what it would mean for me. This has had a huge impact on my life. I don’t know if I could handle knowing I wouldn’t remember my family, my closest friends. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. When she had her first stroke, she was playing the piano, and she completely forgot the song. When she moved in with us, she would regularly play the piano. Over time, her playing would get worse and worse. It frustrated her like nothing else did. She has played the piano since she was 6 years old. At 80 years, it was like losing a limb. When she had lived alone, music was what kept her going, had always come to her. Now that the music was gone, she didn’t know what to make of herself. In the last couple of years, she began to forget she had had children. When my uncle came over and talked about how weird my cousins were being, my grandmother would laugh and say, “Boy I’m glad I never had kids!” While talking to her son and daughter. I don’t want to know if that’s my future! But…at the same time, I can’t really relax until I get this off my mind, and I don’t know if it’s going to leave my head unless I know what’s up.