Oh joy!

Hi guys. I really don’t have much blog brain stuff things, so I’m just going to post this Journal entry I typed up for Religion. Catch ya later.

Okay, time to write a journal entry…okay…thinking…nope. One of the things I have been noticing lately is my increasing forgetfulness. When I try to find out what I am feeling I don’t know, because I usually suppress my feelings. I don’t know how I feel about not knowing my feelings either. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I can’t remember sadness, and sometimes I remember that because I forget what I’ve learned from sadness, I can never really grow. This whole issue is extraordinarily confusing. Another thing I’ve been learning about myself is this; I don’t have hobbies. I have obsessions. I either don’t really care for an activity, hate it, or obsess over it. For instance: The document that I attached to this journal entry was an obsession. It would occupy the back of my head all day long! After a few days it just faded away. It wasn’t that I didn’t like what I had done, my mind had just moved on. I couldn’t find enough interest in it to continue right then. Maybe some other time. The point is, my mind seems to be moving faster and faster, leaving more of me in the dust! I go through the day, and when it’s over I don’t remember anything. If someone asked me what I had for lunch, no amount of head smacks would summon up an answer. My thoughts are more erratic, more scattered. Sometimes ideas will float in from Mars and implant themselves in mind and not let go! I’ve been having these ideas thrown at me, urging me to get tested by a neurologist for Alzheimer’s. I had the same “urges” when I was tested for ADD, and when I got X-rays of my foot. The first time I got the idea I should go for the additional treatment, I was 4 or something, and had broken my left ankle by jumping down the stairs. However, the doctor said that the way I carried my foot showed that my foot wasn’t broken. But my mother thought we should get an X-ray done (as did I) so we did. Aaaaaaaand my foot was broken. The second time, I approached my mother and asked her to have me tested for ADD. Guess what? I was ADD. Now, the same feeling that urged me to get tested for ADD is telling me to be checked for Alzheimer’s. But this time, I don’t really want to know. When I asked to be tested for ADD, I didn’t understand what it would mean for me. This has had a huge impact on my life. I don’t know if I could handle knowing I wouldn’t remember my family, my closest friends. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. When she had her first stroke, she was playing the piano, and she completely forgot the song. When she moved in with us, she would regularly play the piano. Over time, her playing would get worse and worse. It frustrated her like nothing else did. She has played the piano since she was 6 years old. At 80 years, it was like losing a limb. When she had lived alone, music was what kept her going, had always come to her. Now that the music was gone, she didn’t know what to make of herself. In the last couple of years, she began to forget she had had children. When my uncle came over and talked about how weird my cousins were being, my grandmother would laugh and say, “Boy I’m glad I never had kids!” While talking to her son and daughter. I don’t want to know if that’s my future! But…at the same time, I can’t really relax until I get this off my mind, and I don’t know if it’s going to leave my head unless I know what’s up.

Yeah, this is going to be another short post.

Mostly because all of my feelings are buried under multiple layers of exhaustion. Anyway, tonight I watched my home videos, and boy was I smart. I was smarter then than I am now. Also, my wit is timeless.

A small sample:

"And look, there's Ryan!"

"I am the King! All hail King Arthur!"

"I thought you were King Ryan?"

"I'm King Ryan and King Arthur. I'm King Rythur!!!"

Know who else has a timeless wit? Sam Logan. AWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAHHHH.

Pssssst. Look up in the top right corner of the comic, you'll understand.

ACK!!! EGAD!!! OH NOOOOOOES!!!!!!

Heh. HEH HEH. BWA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

*Hysterical laughter hysterical laughter*

Anyways, I'm going crazy. Loco. NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD!!!!!

Reasons:
I am a lead head.
No matter how much homework I do, I'm NEVER caught up!
Insane is the new black.
Memory loss=LOTS.
My fish ran away. On its fins.

I HAVE NO BRAIN TO THINK WITH, DO DA, DO DA!!!

Linkage

Stumbling rocks.


http://www.glumbert.com/media/stopmotion
http://www.smart-kit.com/
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/index.html
http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/dice/dice.swf
http://www.seabreezecomputers.com/tips/tv.htm
http://www.heromachine.com/
http://www.seventhsanctum.com/
http://www.zaguates.com/games/gridlock.html

Will, this one is for you:

http://www.foody.org/atomic/atomic01.html

http://www.glumbert.com/media/stopmotion
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/index.html
http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/dice/dice.swf
http://www.seabreezecomputers.com/tips/tv.htm

Ryan is unhappy.

Ryan is unhappy because he cannot remember what made him unhappy. Ryan also has no clue what's going on, and he has way too much homework to do. Ryan is also forgetting all the things that cheer him up, and has no clue what he's going to do next. Ryan is really tired of staying up until midnight every night and getting up at 6:30. Ryan wishes he was smarter so that he wouldn't have to work harder than everyone else to get the same anount of work done. Ryan also wishes he had the attention span to make longer blog posts, because the one's he currently write make him feel stupid.

Ryan can't remember a day when he didn't feel stupid.

Reason.

This is going to be an extremely short blog post. Like, really extremely short. Anyways, the reason I haven't been posting is this: I'm shutting away my emotions. I am repressing them in an attempt to make myself more happy. Which isn't to say I've been successful. But for the most part, I haven't been filled with a deep depressing sadness.

Plus, I haven't really paid much attention to those feelings of sadness. I guess I'll have to deal with them sooner or later.

AND NOW YOU KNOW!!!!!!!

P.S.
Scroll down past the last post on this page and read some good stuffs.

Vicious Cycle, eh?

So here's life.

I stay up late doing homework, and then I can't think in the daytime, and have less energy. Then as a result, I have more homework to do, and it takes me longer to do it.

Wow I hate cycles.

Hey, a webcomic that has no foul language or violence!!!

Plus, there are no obscure "pop culture" references!

I give it 5/5

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/raina/smilecomics/series.php?view=archive&chapter=725

Adsense. They suck.

Apparently I need to be 18 in order to get money.

And all sorts of other junk. Blah Blah Blah!!!!!!

'scriminating against young people...

Moral Quandry!!!!!

No...that's a "quarry"

Anyways, I just got some new formatting done. As I was giving my blog a make over, I saw a MONEY MAKING SCHEME!!!!!!!!!

I can put ads on my page and get money "on a per click basis"

Should I expect my dear visitors to click on those ads for me or should I not include them?

While you decide, I'm gonna try to make a buck.

FEEL IT!!!!!

THE GROOVE!!!!!!

Yeah. Anyways, Not Ryan Not Clements lost two matches.

Ryan Clemente won a match though.

I almost won my third match too, but the guy I was wrestling got me in a grapevine and choked me. The ref kept telling him to loosen his grip, but I couldn't breathe anyways.

Post Script:

I'm gonna go look for the picture. If that fails, I'll go buy a crowbar.

Post Post Script:

I'm so tired, I can't think in complete sentences.

Dear Victoria:

BE SPLENDID, ELSE THE SELF ESTEEM NINJA WILL BEAT YOUR "MELANCHOLY-NESS-ISM" INTO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it for now chaps.

I'll go see what other bloggers I know that need ninjing. (The act of threatning with pictures of ninjas)

Update:

I'm on a hotel computer that is (trying to) use Windows 95.

This is hard. Unless I open every link in a new window, I get redirected to the frontpage of blogger.com. Also, the computer screen keeps twitching. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?!

Also, I can't get to my email.

I mish you guysh already. :(

Hey...uh...yeah...Oh! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Yep.

Love thy neighbor, Golden Rule, tis better to give than recieve, e.t.c.

Okay. So, this is probably going to be my last blog post before I leave for Tahoe, go skiing, get lost again, and fall off a cliff this time.

This is the topic:

SHOULD RYAN GO BACK ON MEDS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Reasons Yes:
-Ryan's attention span is so, so short.
-Ryan's new treatments are taking their sweet time to work.
-Grades.
-I have to get IVs frequently until all the metals and toxins exit my body.

Reasons No:
-Ryan has no personality whatsoever when he takes his drugs.
-Ryan's drugs didn't work before.
-Ryan's drugs make him unhappy.
-Some of the drugs Ryan took before now have a "black box warning" which means that these drugs are known to be lethal in some instances.

So, if you guys give me your opinion on this, I'll read when I get back. Or when I can get onto a computer in Tahoe, (unlikely)

If you don't, I'll both go back to taking my drugs and keep not taking them at the same time. Trust me, you don't want to know how that works.

Moving on...

Christmas Highlights:

1. Relieved of responsibility for the biology poster. (And if I do say so myself, I'd say we went ABC.)

2. Played some video games with my bros.

4. Reminisce about creating a myspace profile, sending a message to "Deus Adesto" and then promptly deleting my profile to conceal my identity. I'm totally going to do that to every person that I know with a myspace account.

3. Ryan's Most Fully Radically Insanely Awesome Present Award goes to Mom and Dad for THE COMPLETE COLLECTION OF CALVIN AND HOBBES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Try to decide whether to place the Awesome Present Award before or after the myspace highlight. (Compromise by confusing myself)

6. Read James' latest blog post and try to come up with a coherent, compassionate comment....Then fail miserably at it.

7. Think about Aunt Sandy and her continuing battle with lung cancer.

Happy 60th Post!!!!

...Yeah, I got nothin'

Let us speak of my foolishness once more.

So, I was going over all the mistakes that I had made earlier in the week, and last weekend. I CAME ACROSS A DOOZY OF A PROBLEM!!!!! I guess I'm pretty condescending whenever I know something someone else doesn't. Especially when it comes to computers. Like, one Sunday or whenever when a certain person thought that trying to print with the fax was a good thing. I basically mentally scoffed at her. Now the voices in my head are telling me that I was being extremely rude, mean, obnoxious, and just downright EVIL!!! They also told me that I must repent by stabbing myself repeatedly with my Spanish steel, or apologizing on the internet. AGAIN. (Scroll Down to see my other apology.)

I swear, I'll try to get better at this.

In other news, I finally found that like, awesome like, comic like, man.

WHO IS THAT!!?!?!!?!

IT'S A BIRD!!!!
IT'S A PLANE!!!!
NO, IT'S...who is that?! That ain't SUPERMAN!!!!












KEKEKEKE!!!! LOOK AT THE BUNNY!!!!!!

It sure is easy to be tolerant of other people if you hate yourself!!!!

*More expletives censored*

Wow...

Say, does anybody have these nights when they lie in bed, allowing their thoughts to wash over them, and they realize that their dreams are completely out of their reach?

Yeah, happens to me all the time. When I was in the fifth grade, I was at the reading level of a freshman. A college freshman. When I reached the sixth grade, I was at the level of a high school junior. When I "graduated" from Charmicael Middle School in the 8th grade, I was reading at a high school sophomore level.

My intellect is decreasing! My memory has gotten worse, as have my motor skills and hand-eye coordination. Honestly, I haven't matured since Elementary School. I've just had a lot more practice suppressing my feelings.

Some of you have met my grandmother. I don't want to be that kind of person, being forgetful all the time. And yet, I seem to be becoming more and more like that every day. She is so frustrated because she can no longer remember the correct way to play a piano. She has been playing the piano for seventy years.

This is my future. I am a textbook example of a brilliant failure. No matter how hard I try, I will not succeed. Failure looms over me like a raincloud, following me wherever I go. I stay up into the wee hours of the night doing my work, and I still do not complete it.

Maybe this is because I know that I can't do it. I know that I will not pass my classes, and I know that I will not actually get a job. I used to joke about becoming a hobo, but what other profession allows you to travel and be insane? Why do I need to keep on working when in my heart I know that all the work I ever do will be naturally inferior? I can't. My subconscious doesn't let me work because whenever I fail, I can't handle it. That's why I work on a group project for hours on end. I can't stand it when I feel like I failed someone. It eats away at me and keeps me up at night. Heck, that's the only reason I do my homework. If I don't, I feel like a failure. Hey wait, I feel like a failure right now! Hm...Oh yeah, and while I'm confessing things, to the entire blogging world, I also ignore homework even when it's right in front of me if it's too much stress. So, I really can't do those math assignments because it's a huge conscious fight to even acknowledge that they exist.

Better try to do something now, bye.


Clements Corporate
-Making you look good by comparison.

Duh parents wuz all like: